It is no secret that communication is key. But what can a person do when their partner is no longer emotionally intimate with them? And what if this behavior is a sign of a bigger problem that may not be visible at the moment?
In this guide we will talk about the influence of stonewalling on romantic relationships, figure out what causes this toxic behavior, and discover effective methods to overcome stonewalling for the sake of the future of the relationship.
What Is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling refers to the emotional withdrawal of a person who wants to shut down communication in their relationship. It usually takes place before or during an argument because one partner cannot bear the emotional weight of potential yelling or the possible consequences of the conversation they are trying to avoid. Stonewalling means refusing to talk, avoiding eye contact, and leaving the room so that you create an invisible wall between yourself and your significant other.
The Emotional Impact of Stonewalling
Stonewalling takes a toll on both partners and their emotional bond especially if this behavior is not addressed in a timely manner:
| Adverse Effect | Description |
| Emotional Disconnection | Even though stonewalling can benefit the partners who are about to start a conflict or take it to the next level, it hurts them because they do not come up to a decision and compromise when the problem is ignored and not discussed properly |
| Low Self-Confidence | When there is emotional distance between partners, there is also a feeling of worthlessness due to a lack of validation and support |
| Mental Health Problems | Cumulative stress, anxiety, depression, and trauma can be exacerbated if you are doing the stonewalling or you are the one being stonewalled |
| Escalation of the Conflict | Unfortunately, not every partner will respond with silence when the other person is stonewalling – they may get more aggressive and violent which hurts not just the two people involved in an argument but also their children who are forced to grow up in a hostile household |
| End of the Relationship | While emotional withdrawal ends a certain conversation, it may also result in a break-up or divorce. The dissolution of the relationship will also lead to further emotional damage |
Stonewalling Vs Other Forms of Withdrawal
There is a possibility of a healthy withdrawal – when you feel unsafe or you believe the other person needs space instead of engaging in a tough conversation, you stop talking to them and decide to return to the dialogue after a break so that the heated argument does not escalate. You should not confuse it with emotional numbness that can be triggered by prolonged stress or trauma.
The lines between stonewalling and silent treatment are often blurry especially if one partner is deliberately trying to hurt the other. Nevertheless, silent treatment is usually either a passive-aggressive reaction or a manipulation tactic while stonewalling is typically unintentional.
Causes of Stonewalling in Relationships
There are certain factors that contribute to stonewalling – let us take a look at the most common causes of this behavior:
- Fear of confrontation. You may feel overwhelmed when a disagreement or difficult conversation begins so it feels easier to avoid talking.
- Defense mechanism. Many people choose to cope with conflict using silence because of negative childhood experiences or abuse they lived through.
- Manipulation tactic. Unfortunately, some individuals are trying to control their partner and withhold attention and communication with malicious intent.
- Emotional dysregulation. There is a possibility a person struggles to manage their emotions, and stonewalling seems like a reasonable way to deal with conflict.
- Relationship struggles. If there was a breach of trust between the partners or a conflict a couple failed to resolve, stonewalling is an unconscious consequence of these underlying issues.
Strategies to Address Stonewalling
Thankfully, there are ways for struggling partners to talk about stonewalling and its negative influence on their relationship:
| Strategy | Description |
| Prepare and Rehearse | It may be hard for you to begin a conversation about stonewalling but it is better to know what you are going to say in advance, come up with the reasons for you to address the behavior, and ask the other individual to acknowledge the impact of stonewalling on your relationship |
| Focus on Understanding | Sometimes, it feels right to blame the other person for the strained relationship you have but it is a smart idea to see your connection from your partner’s perspective and analyze the reasons that caused the stonewalling behavior before you start assigning blame |
| Have Calm Conversations | It is advisable to find the right time for a tough conversation and avoid screaming or crying – you need to get your point across so do your best to remain calm and respectful and urge your partner to do the same |
| Seek Professional Help | Some people see a major improvement in their mental health and interpersonal skills after signing up for individual counseling while others require family therapy or couples therapy to improve their relationship dynamics – it is up to you to figure out what therapeutic approach resonates with you |
| Know When to Leave | Sadly, many relationships end as a result of continuous stonewalling but you should not see it as your error or failure – if your partner did not meet you halfway, refused to undergo therapy, or subjected you to emotional abuse, the best solution for you would be to part ways instead of trying to fix the other individual |
The Role of Therapy in Overcoming Stonewalling
There are numerous individuals who opt for one-on-one therapy in order to keep their struggles private, and it can be a great start of your mental health journey if you are trying to resolve stonewalling and improve communication with your partner by working through your individual issues at first. You can learn what triggers the stonewalling behavior, dive deep into past problems that cause you emotional pain to this day, and manage your emotions in case they get too overwhelming at times.
Couples therapy – or marriage counseling – can enhance the quality of your relationship and reduce relationship distress. An experienced therapist will create a safe space for both you and your partner to speak, understand what led to stonewalling, and come up with healthy coping mechanisms and conflict resolution skills to benefit both of you in the long run.
Improve Relationships With Mental Health Center of San Diego
Relationship health is not something either partner should disregard especially if one of you refuses to cooperate and communicate – relationship dynamics change drastically when both people exhibit this kind of behavior. Thankfully, couples therapy can help you address your issues with your significant other while individual counseling will help you explore your inner world and figure out what caused emotional blocks of such magnitude. Contact Mental Health Center of San Diego today – together we can overcome stonewalling and help your relationship blossom.
FAQs
What is stonewalling and how does it affect relationship dynamics?
Stonewalling refers to the refusal to communicate with a partner for a certain period of time. It can easily create invisible barriers between you and your partner, make you distrust them, and create resentment and isolation that culminate in a break-up.
How can communication barriers caused by stonewalling be overcome?
Your readiness to acknowledge your intentional and unintentional errors and work through your problems on your own, with your partner, or under the guidance of a mental health professional will give you a chance to leave stonewalling in the past.
Why does emotional regulation play a role in preventing stonewalling?
Stonewalling is often triggered by emotional regulation issues – if you cannot manage intense emotions or your past trauma forces you to avoid confrontation, you need to address deep-seated emotional issues to enjoy a healthy relationship.
What are effective conflict avoidance strategies to reduce stonewalling?
Set boundaries with your partner to know your expectations in terms of communication, remain calm instead of crying and screaming, and learn to recognize when it is better to step back and think about your behavioral patterns instead of putting the blame on another person.
How does stonewalling differ from other forms of emotional withdrawal in relationships?
In most cases, stonewalling is not intentional – the individual tries to stay away from a conversation without realizing they are creating a distance between themselves and their partner. Other forms of emotional withdrawal are mostly manipulation tactics or forms of punishment that help the partner exercise control.
